SUBPARs Homeport Reviews - Portsmouth **Bonus Homeport Review**
It kinda counts
So you’re the nubbiest of NUB ensigns at Prototype and it is time to rank your homeport preferences for the detailer. Are you lost? Don’t know where to begin? Well, you’re in luck. The Subpar Group will release homeport reviews for the 7 submarine homeports so you can make the best decision possible before the detailer ignores your request and gives you needs-of-the-navy orders anyway.
By Three JOs. One at SOAC, one going to SOAC, and one who can’t even spell SOAC.
So, you got your orders and thought you were going to an operational Virginia class fast attack submarine out of Groton, CT? You came to terms with living in ‘rotten Groton’ and embracing the frigid North Atlantic, but when you arrive at SOBC you find out your boat is shifting homeports to Portsmouth, NH.
Did they mean Portsmouth, Virginia? Didn’t you know we had submarines in Portsmouth, New Hampshire? It’s ok, the rest of the Navy forgot too. This forgotten submarine shipyard is not only the oldest shipyard (Admiral Farragut died there and still haunts unqualified JOs telling them, “DAMN YOUR A&S, GET QUALIFIED NUB”), but the shipyard’s name is even fake news. Portsmouth Naval Shipyard is not located in Portsmouth, NH but in Kittery, ME. While they are right next door, the fact that the shipyard is an island means that you will spend approximately 2 hours of your day sitting in traffic to get on and off base because the shipyard bubbas dressed in Tom Brady jerseys arrived at 0400 to get a coveted parking garage spot close to the boats and then sleep in their trucks. You will then have the honor and privilege of parking at the farthest end of the island and walking a mile to get to your boat. As you walk, the tall warehouses and depths of the drydock will funnel the truly arctic level winds to ensure that no matter how many uniform layers you wear, by the time you arrive on the 50-year old barge you call home, you will be a human popsicle. Groton is a tropical memory by comparison. They host SERE here for a reason.
“It’s okay,” you tell yourself, “I’ll get to go on rides. And there are trainers here too!” HA. HAHAHA. Your thrice-bitten senior JO’s evil & maniacal laughter will dispel any fairytale dreams of a ride out of your head. Your squadron ran out of money to send you to Groton trainers you see, and besides, anything you had scheduled has been canceled for SOAC, SCC, and USS About-to-Deploy. Don’t even ask about Portsmouth’s trainers. The reality settles in – you are here to stay, suffer, and qualify.
But in truth, New Hampshire can be a great place to be stationed. Summer is a lovely time. Boston is only an hour away, and there is good skiing, mountain biking, and hiking within 90-minutes. Downtown Portsmouth right across the river is like a less crowded, more charming Annapolis with fantastic restaurants, a far cry from the city across the river in New London. There is a great variety of fishing, hunting, snowmobiling, and craft beer.
The state motto is, “Live Free or Die”. The problem is that if you are a JO in Portsmouth you may Live Free, but your soul will most certainly die. You see, you are in the shipyard. At best, you will be in straight three-section EDO with your Department Head whining about standing four-section SDO after a JO has stood by for them all day and they’re minutes away from getting singled. And hopefully your shipmates don’t mess up the test procedure shipyard wrote on the back of a napkin, because you are always a few moments away from PORT and STBD. If you are the unlucky JO who messes up the fake procedure, you will get to receive the joy of talking with Naval Reactors for 3 hours about your feelings while everyone goes around the room throwing darts at the Watchstanding Principles. “EDO…throws dart…lacked formality…” Naturally, the outcome of this NR-led critique will be more supervisory oversight, so now two EDOs and the SSW must be stationed at all times for #forcefulbackup. At least your shiny new Audit & Surveillance program will get some more content.
If you are trying to qualify, good luck as you will be given the lookup on how to operate a sonar stack and , but the shipyard just tagged them out for the next year. The only bright spot is that PNSY is one of the fastest shipyards to complete overhaul periods, running an average of only 1 year behind.
SUBPAR’s rating:
Overall Homeport Score if you care about job satisfaction: 0/10
Overall Homeport Score based on quality of life: 3/10 (you do get to sleep in your own bed every other night)
Overall Homeport Score ignoring literally all factors related to submarining: 8/10 (But this doesn’t matter because you will never leave the shipyard to enjoy this anyway)
The Subpar Group does not recommend, unless you have a severe saltwater allergy.
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This is one of the most wonderfully accurate descriptions of PNSY I have ever read.