So you’re the nubbiest of NUB ensigns at Prototype and it is time to rank your homeport preferences for the detailer. Are you lost? Don’t know where to begin? Well, you’re in luck. The Subpar Group will release homeport reviews for the 7 submarine homeports so you can make the best decision possible before the detailer ignores your request and gives you needs-of-the-navy orders anyway.
By Someone who was stationed in Kings Bay and has three kids
Let’s not beat around the bush here, Kings Bay is the Milton from Office Space of submarine homeports. The immediate area surrounding the base, Kingsland, GA, is where single JOs that chose subs to be on a fast attack go to be lobotomized and where married JOs who want a more stable lifestyle go when Bangor, WA isn’t stable enough.
If you get orders here you will be depressed and this will lead you to resign yourself to living right outside base so at least you have a short commute and can more quickly get to the only love you’ll know on this tour: alcohol. (Note: The Subpar Group does not endorse drinking as a coping mechanism. If you are looking for a healthy coping mechanism, we suggest becoming a part time writer for The Subpar Group.) If you find yourself in this position, listen to the sage advice of poet Dylan Thomas: do not go gentle into that good night! Rage, rage against the dying of the light!
For you, young JO, will have to discover what Juan Ponce de Leon, Herman de Soto, and Armies of Spanish conquistadors discovered before you: Florida is a mythic paradise of boundless riches and opportunity.
Any self-respecting JO will live in Florida, be it Yulee, the Island (Amelia), or Jacksonville proper. This is where you’ll want to be. It’s worth the commute during the week to spend your off-crew weekends minutes from the beach and the nightlife of Fernandina or Riverside. If that doesn’t do it for you, all we have left to offer is the same thing Groton has to offer: proximity to other better things, including a two hour drive to Disney and Universal Studios if you’ve never been, or you’re a Disney adult (Note: The Subpar Group does not condone nor promote the lifestyle of Disney adults). Or you could spend one of your stand down periods going to Key West, just to say you’ve been. Other hidden gems in Jacksonville are the Jumbo Shrimp and the Icemen, because we know you learned to love the South Carolina Stingrays in the three hours you gave yourself off on the weekends in Charleston.
Kings Bay is also the only submarine port that offers good ole southern hospitality, a fact that shocks all those who aren’t Florida natives since it may be the most forgotten southern state. And if you get bored enough, there’s always the favorite pastime of any military man or woman: settle down and start popping out some kids, because living in Florida around all the retirees has made you realize that it really does take too much energy to go to the bars and drink. Plus day drinking on the beach is much more entertaining when you get to watch a toddler try to walk in the sand as you teach them to bring you another beer.
At the end of the day, you might not be as cool as fast boat sailors, but in the navy wide battle of whose life sucks the most… you still don’t get emails and you don’t get to say you’re “fast attack tough” proving your life is worse.
Overall Homeport Score if you are single: .5/10
Overall Homeport Score if you are married: 2/10
Overall Homeport Score if you want to buy an 8,000 sqft house for under 200K: 10/10
The Subpar Group does not recommend.
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