SUBPARs Homeport Reviews - Norfolk

It is a city that exists in Virginia

So you’re the nubbiest of NUB ensigns at Prototype and it is time to rank your homeport preferences for the detailer. Are you lost? Don’t know where to begin? Well, you’re in luck. The Subpar Group will release homeport reviews for the 7 submarine homeports so you can make the decision possible before the detailer ignores your request and gives you needs-of-the-navy orders anyway. 

On to the largest naval base in the world:

Norfolk. 

By Bart Mancuso

Most young, enterprising Junior Officers dread the thought of a set of orders detailing them to Norfolk, VA.  However, the suburban sprawl of the Hampton Roads area has many tantalizing offerings that make you want to say “Okay it’s not that bad.”  With the backbone of a good Wardroom, we are here to promise you that you can in fact have fun in Norfolk.

Similarly to San Diego, the endless sprawl of naval power on the piers of Naval Station Norfolk, the runways of Naval Air Station Oceana, the gyms of Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek, and whatever the hell goes on at Dam Neck will link you up with many friends from your training pipeline. This comes in handy when faced with the vital pissing contest to prove to your SWO and Aviator friends that your life truly sucks more than their lives. 

Like literally any city that exists in America, the brewery scene in Norfolk is pretty good.  All we can say about the beaches of Hampton Roads is that they are, in fact, legally considered beaches.  The Cost-of-Living is squarely in the middle of the homeports on your slate.  However, YMMV if you do not do some in-depth battle space preparation before signing a lease, or your home may quite literally be a battle space (Bart Mancuso had two drive by shootings occur within 100 yards of his doorstep at two separate domiciles).  The Pro-Gamer move is to rent a sweet beach house with 4 other JO’s in your wardroom right off of Shore Drive.

The Norfolk area is within a reasonable drive to some pretty neat things to go do.  Shenandoah National Park, Washington, D.C., and the Outer Banks (of Netflix’s Outer Banks fame) are all within reach for weekend getaways that you say you’ll do on one of your duty-free weekends, but in actuality you will probably just opt to binge-drink at the three bars in downtown Norfolk or the three bars in Chick’s Beach weekend-in and weekend-out.

One of the biggest downsides of placing “Norfolk SSN” high on your home port rankings is that, much like a single-sailor halfway box, you never know what you’re going to get. Super high tempo Virginia class submarine? Check.  PCU that is 27-months behind its advertised construction schedule? Check. Rusted out boat that hasn’t gone critical since La La Land got snubbed of the Oscar for Best Picture that your detailer swears will go on deployment during your JO tour? Check. Luckily for you, going on rides on operational boats is a thing, and standing EDO from an office building for the last 22-months of your JO tour after qualifying Fish can be a pretty sweet gig.

Another glaring downside of the Hampton Roads area is that everything is going to be at least a 20 minute drive away. Virginia Beach, despite being the most populated city in Virginia, is an endless Control+C, Control+P of suburbs and strip malls.  There will likely be at least eight 7-Elevens within a one-mile radius of wherever you choose to live. Additionally, if you are unfortunate enough to get slated to a UIC at Norfolk Naval Shipyard (located in Portsmouth, VA) or the Huntington Ingalls Industries - more on these in a bonus follow-on post. 

If you are a young 1170/1120 with your heart set on finding love in a hopeless place, we implore you to look somewhere else.  Hand-in-hand with the tens of thousands of tons of displacement sitting in the James River are the thousands of young, single 20-30 year old sailors looking for somebody to share their TRICARE with. This means if you’re looking to date someone outside of the navy, the numbers are as stacked against you as your odds of survival in an NRTM-20 FIDE set. If you’re looking to date someone in the navy, it means that you will be treated to enough shirtless Barracks-Mirror-Selfies that you become an expert at identifying black mold in ventilation systems. Regardless of the dismal outlook, with enough tenacity, Dick, you might be able to score some Hinge dates with some interesting characters (like Big Foot enthusiasts in Bart Mancuso’s case) that you’ll get to brief your skipper on over a Wardroom Lunch.

In our opinion, you should have second thoughts about Norfolk for your JO tour.

Overall Homeport Score: 4.5/10

The Subpar Group does not recommend.  

Bart Mancuso says, “It’s not that bad.”

Want to contribute to future homeport reviews? Email us at thesubpargroup@gmail.com

Previous homeport reviews: San Diego