Lamentations of an Operational CRA

SUBPAR received the following incomplete, untitled SIPR¹ email. Normally people ask for advice in these emails but this email did not contain a question. Regardless, we’ve reproduced the letter below in its entirety, run-on sentences and all.²

Dear SPG,

So I guess you all have probably seen the news now: the big bad USS [REDACTED] launched a bunch of TLAMs at the godless [REDACTED] and saved freedom, democracy, global trade and the American Apple pie. And that’s all great – I mean really, it is – and I’m happy for all of those things – really I am – but now we are going to fail ORSE because my Audit and Surveillance Program is totally, completely and irrevocably fucked.

Get more involvement from the chain of command they told me, get more senior JO involvement they said (recurring comment). It’s easy – all you have to do is schedule it. Again and again over and over, during the whole deployment.

Well, you know what the chain of command can’t do while we are launching TLAMs at the godless [REDACTED]? Watch MMN2 [REDACTED] clean the [REDACTED] while [REDACTED], even though it’s a recurring weak area. Now I know what you are thinking – “why can’t you just have the CO watch MMN2 [REDACTED] clean the [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] when you aren’t launching TLAMs at the godless [REDACTED]?” and that’s a great question, except you know what we’ve done every hour of every day that we aren’t launching TLAMs at the godless [REDACTED]  - practice launching TLAMs at the Godless [REDACTED]. Hours upon hours spent at PD and not a single senior monitor to spare. Not one.

And it's even worse than that – because you know what I do when we pretend to launch TLAMs? I stand scope relief and you know I can’t do when I stand scope relief – be an effective junior monitor.

And all everyone keeps talking about is protecting the global balance of trade. And that’s important – it really is. But if it was really so important, why wasn’t it talked about at all in the pipeline – I mean not once. It wasn’t on comp, it wasn’t on the 100 exam or the 50 exam at prototype and it sure as shit wasn’t on my watchboard so all of the sudden I’m supposed to care about it now? 

The XO tells us it's important but he was an ECON major – group 3 - and while him and his group 3 buddies could sit around with all of their group 3 free time and contemplate the global balance of trade, I was pulling 17 hours days as a group 1 electrical engineering major, like a good submariner.  

Not even the SBM cares about the global balance of trade. They may think they do – and even now he’s probably in some SBM office somewhere talking to all his SBM buddies about how the USS [REDACTED] launching TLAMs against the [REDACTED] is a prime example of the safe operation of nuclear propulsion. But come ORSE time he won’t care. When he asks me why I still don’t have any senior monitors from the CoC or senior JOs I can’t tell him it's because for weeks they were protecting the global balance of trade.

It’s fine. It really is. They are just going to call me into the COs stateroom and ream me out again like they did when they found that bottle of dip in [REDACTED]. It’s fine – because at least I can take it – not like those other JOs like the STRIKE-O.

STRIKE-O. What a stupid job. What really drives me up a wall about this whole thing is how much credit he’s about to get. He’ll probably get a NAM for it. A NAM. A JO (group 3 major) so incompetent he was fired as EA (EA!) and the CO wanted to put him somewhere where he would have no responsibility so they made up a job for him. I mean really how hard is it to copy and paste into chat? It’s not the sort of mental work that comes from watching MMN2 [REDACTED] clean [REDACTED] while [REDACTED]. But he’ll get a NAM and I’ll get yelled at for not having any senior monitors.

Whatever. He’s calling me even now to give him a headbreak in control. It's not even halfway through watch. But it's fine – keep drinking all of the pink at lunch and I’ll keep getting yelled at for not having any qualified senior monitors.

³

                        Very Respectfully, 

    			LTJG H. Caulfield
                        CRA USS [REDACTED]
                        1170
                        Qualified Surface OOD (lookups pending)

1. This is a joke. We don’t have a SIPR email.

2. No we didn’t. This is satire.

3. If you haven’t figured out this isn’t real yet, there’s nothing more we can do.