Veterans Hiring Initiative
Only veterans as janitors
Mountain View, CA– Google welcomed in the New Year with a ground breaking hiring initiative. The first of its kind in the tech world, Google will only hire veteran sailors as janitors as part of their Sanitation Hiring Initiative to Holistically Empower Active Duty [SHITHEAD] Veterans enterprise.
The spark for the initiative?
“We just love our troops. That’s part of what we do here at Google. We support the troops by any means necessary,” said Google spokesperson Henry Bellmore. “That’s why we developed the SHITHEAD. My uncle was in the Navy. I think I would’ve joined the Navy too if my parents hadn’t loved me enough to pay for Yale.”
Bellmore declined to answer when asked if he was aware of Yale’s NROTC program.
Chief Operations Officer John McNamara informed reporters there was quite a bit more that went into Google’s decision.
“I came out of the stall after my post lunch business one day and saw the janitor finishing up cleaning. This was the cleanest bathroom I had ever seen – and mind you I work at Google, this isn’t Ask Jeeves.”
Upon further investigation McNamara discovered the janitor learned to clean at such an elite level in the US Navy. Prior to his medical discharge, former Sonar Technician Kyle Shoy logged over 1250 hours cleaning submarine heads on his two Western Pacific deployments.
“Every day while stationed on the USS Reno I cleaned for at least an hour – sometimes more – after watch” said Shoy, Google’s Assistant Bathroom Team Leader for the Swings Shift. “That doesn’t even count the hours I spent listening to the Chief of the Boat talk about cleaning. Add those in there and we’re looking at 1600 hours minimum.”
Shoy’s cleaning skills were the only ones that transferred to the civilian sector.
“It’s nice to have something to fall back on. Sure, I have a Top Secret Clearance and helped safely operate a US Nuclear Submarine in some of the most challenging environments in the world,” Shoy continued. “But I consider myself lucky really. Those Fire Control Technicians who always avoided cleaning stations couldn’t even get a job as a janitor prior to this initiative.”
Google hired nine former sailors under SHITHEAD and expects to hire four more by the end of the quarter.
“These veterans, our SHITHEAD cohort, are American Heroes” Bellmore stated proudly as he looked up from his Forbes Magazine. “The least we can do is pay them $14/hr and provide a base level health insurance plan.”
He quickly redacted his statement about health care after his assistant informed him that the janitors were independent contractors.