US Confirms Chinese Field Day Test – Experts Alarmed
Never before seen cleaning capability
Joint Base Hickam, HI – US satellite imagery revealed today that China successfully tested a vacuum cleaner capable of cleaning the inside of a submarine at multiple times the speed of sound. The test occurred in the remote Gobi Desert Field Day proving ground where the PLA(N) routinely tests foxtails and mops, though this is the first test of a vacuum cleaner.
“The fact that this is a vacuum cleaner is significant – it represents a real shift in the field day balance of power in the INDOPACOM region,” said CDR Joe Mixon, spokesperson for the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
China was humiliated in the 1996 Taiwan Strait Crisis when, in response to saber rattling by Beijing, President Clinton ordered the USS Independence and USS Nimitz carrier strike groups to execute simultaneous field days inside the strait.
“China was deeply embarrassed in ’96 as party leadership could do nothing but sit by and watch those carriers get cleaner and cleaner… and all within miles of the Chinese coast,” said Dr. Brain Mackelroy of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA).
Since 1996, China has invested billions of dollars into the development of new field day technologies, especially in the advancing realm of hypersonic cleaning devices. As a counter the United States revamped several 1980s legacy field-day systems, such as the HARPOON broom-dustpan, and retrofitted them for the current fleet. The US briefly pursued next generation field day technologies in the early 2000s, such as the hypersonic greenie and sponge, but the program was scrapped due to the budget constraints imposed by the F-35 cleaning program.
“No. I’m not worried about the PLA(N)’s new vacuum,” said USS Groton’s COB Marcus Garvel. “America’s greatest cleaning weapon continues to be our young men and women who bravely clean our submarines, miles from their home and families.”
The nations COBs also released a joint statement labeling the test as, “irresponsible and inherently destabilizing.”
However, the disproportionate level of investment concerns most defense experts. Dr. Mackelroy issued a stark warning, “Make no mistake, in future years Chinese ships will continue to become less rust filled and less oil covered. Unless congress allocates more funding for the development of new field day technologies, the gap between our hard to reach areas and theirs will disappear by 2030. When that happens, the Western world and the post WWII international field day order will become relics of the past.”