SUBPARs Guide to Navigating the Wardroom Hard Drive
There's a manual for almost everything on submarines, but we have been left without any guidance other than tribal knowledge when it comes to one of the most critical systems on board: the wardroom entertainment system.
Selecting the proper music video or movie is vital to maintaining good order and morale, while playing Nickelback while your WEPS eats feggs drenched in tabasco is not a good look. (How the hell’d we end up like this?!)
For the newest ensigns on board, it has typically been a hard journey of trial and error to discover both which entertainment is acceptable and where to find it in the labyrinth of pirated files that have been loaded onto the drive. Here are some tips for first-timers to not embarrass themselves when they are bestowed the mouse and the conn.
Have some advice for the wardroom hard drive that you think we missed? Let us know in the comment section below.
Hansen's 2014 Westpac playlist: might be worth investigating to find a hidden gem, but if you need to delete something to make room for the latest season of White Lotus, this should be the first to go.
File names you should NOT OPEN in the wardroom under any circumstances:
"Mail-in Ballots"
"Tax Returns"
"Out of Date Tech Manuals"
"2022 Q3 RL-Div A&S Outstanding TDLs"
“Documentaries”
“Old CTEs”
“Art”
LT Perez’s Personal Folder: This is mostly filled with “tax returns”, but for some reason also contains the Status of Forces Agreement file that you need to study for your duty officer board.
Dope Music Videos: This was supposed to contain the most popular music videos for easy reference but the high-minded altruistic JO that was doing it gave up the task to sleep one off-going and never completed it. You’ll often forget that the folder is empty and click on it every now and then as everyone screams at you that there’s nothing in it.
Shipyard MOUs: This will contain old documents from the boat's availability several years ago and also some divorce papers that a senior JO scanned and emailed off during the last Guam port call. He can’t delete them because the file was left open on a computer that fell down a ladder well. They’ll be read-only until decom.
The Office Season 3: While not a bad choice in itself, these files were initially pirated in 2005, and are no longer compatible with any modern media player, just like all SOBTs.
Halsey, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande, or Bebe Rexha are sure to be a crowd-pleaser. However, depending on the mood of the off going CDO this could start an argument for which you are ill prepared and will consume a large portion of your offgoing - hope you worked out yesterday.
Lord of the Rings: Selecting any of these movies is reserved for CHOP and that one rider JO that still hasn’t qualified surfaced CM, since they are the only people who can afford to sit in the wardroom for three and a half hours straight.
True Detective: A great show, but shows like this are a bad choice for your section's mealtime because inevitably everyone will miss a meal at some point and have no idea what's going on for the next two weeks.
From FT2: The music videos in the main folder are probably fine, but whatever you do, DO NOT open any of the subfolders.
This list is not meant to be all inclusive. Use this list only as an operator aid to help during your first few months on your submarine.