SUBPAR Memorial Day

All gave some and some gave their oncoming

🚨 The following is satire. We obviously do not mean you should spend time thinking about a JO who got less than 8 hours of sleep instead of a fallen service member. 🚨

Our country exists to the extent that it does because there have been men and women who have raised their right hand and put their lives on the line.

Some did it out of patriotic duty, some did it to get help going to college, some did it to learn a trade, some maybe have even done it not having any idea what they signed up for.

But why doesn’t really matter - the point is they did it. They bore the risk and some never made it back.

So on your Memorial Day, while you’re drinking a cold beer and saving up to 50% at your local mattress store (they overstocked and management has given then just one day to clear the inventory!) take a moment to think about all those who came before and all those who didn’t come back - regardless of their motivation for serving.

We’d like to tell you a story of all the brave men and women who served and are still serving but we don’t have the writing skills or the data hosting on Substack to do it. 

So we’ll tell you one story. The story of LTJG [REDACTED]. 

Now some of you will be quick to point out that Memorial Day is about remembering the fallen and we are about to tell you the story of someone who is still very much alive.

But they don’t have to be.

The boundary between life and death on a submarine is sometimes as fine as a membrane in the RO unit, sometimes as dirty as a drain strainer, and sometimes as fluid as ETN2s sexuality after being underway for two months.

Anyway, we digress. Enjoy your Memorial Day, take a minute to think about all those still out there under the sea — living and the dead. 

And enjoy this story about LTJG [REDACTED]. 

On August 23rd, 2019 in the depths of the MIDS watch oncoming, LTJG [REDACTED] was racked out by the messenger to complete urgent tasking. He valiantly rose to the occasion and eventually rolled out of his rack on to the moldy carpet that was installed during the Cold War while only muttering for the messenger to, “go fuck [himself]” one time. 

[REDACTED], the COMMO at the time, did what no one else on his boat could have done when his country needed him most. He walked the message routing board from the NAVs inbox all the way up to the XOs stateroom and leaned up against the bulkhead while the XO pretended to read the message. 

Immediately after the XO signed the message, with great confidence, [REDACTED] walked 10 feet to the COs stateroom and got yelled at for 15 minutes about the shitty wording of the message. LTJG [REDACTED] even mustered the courage to stand at attention for two of the 15 minutes.

After standing over a radioman’s shoulder while ETR2 made the required changes, [REDACTED] brought the message to the CO to sign prior to transmission. 

The most amazing part of all this? [REDACTED] only complained eight times during the entire evolution and only twice asked why, “someone else couldn’t do this?”, all without brushing his teeth first. 

With only 45 minutes remaining in his oncoming, COMMO returned to his rack to lay there awake and wish he failed Power School prior to relieving as the JOOD during the boat’s fast cruise. 

THIS is what Memorial Day is all about. 

Thank a submariner this weekend, because they have sacrificed more sleep than you could ever imagine.