Submarine Energy Drinks and What They Say About You
Drink responsibly
Caffeinated beverages are to the crew of a Submarine what Uranium is to the reactor. Whether you’re a Commanding Officer hand-grinding their own Espresso shots while listening to the NAV’s bullshit over the open mic, to the newly reported E-3 drinking two-day-old black coffee trying to not fall asleep studying next to the Reactor Compartment Door, your caffeine of choice says a lot about you. We’ve compiled a list of the most popular pick-me-ups and how they reflect on who you are as a submariner:
Bang: You don’t really drink caffeine, but it is time for ORSE and you heard someone say it lets you see sounds and/or makes you feel like committing a felony when you get home from work. ETN2 tells you he buys it for the added creatine, but he can only bench press 45 lbs in the torpedo room.
Monster Original: The submarine classic. An entry level energy drink. 100 grams of sugar to go with your caffeine. You’re just trying to do the bare minimum without causing a critique. You’ll have three kidney stones over your deployment.
All Other Flavored Monsters: You’re trying to assert your individuality, but you’re just like everyone else. Wake up.
N0S: You grew up in the woods and you wish you still lived there now. You’re the one wearing cowboy boots and a camouflage ball cap at every liberty port. You tell people you’re in the military, but can’t talk about it. Good thing too because you spent you’re last two off-goings unclogging the officer urinal and you stood messenger for the last three months.
Crew’s Mess Coffee (Black): You just woke up after a solid 45 minutes of sleep and are savoring the time between your tour, the pre-watch brief, and whatever CSS3(SU) made to ruin your “morning.”
Crew’s Mess Coffee (4 packets of creamer 1 packet of SwissMix): A Boat Mocha. You’ve been onboard long enough to know you need caffeine to function, but are still alive enough on the inside to care about taste and can’t handle coffee that doesn’t taste like a milkshake.
In a pinch you can replace the 4 packets of creamer with a shot of soft serve if A-gang has cleared tags on the soft serve machine.
Caffeine Pills: You’re dead inside.
Reign: Somehow you’re convinced that it is better for you than Bang. You probably do CrossFit. Resting Blood pressure 160 / 90.
Ghost: You’re a nuke who spent way more of your bonus than you should have on a gaming computer that you use exclusively to watch Hentai. You likely take three scoops of pre-workout to make it through your 8 hours of standing Electrical Operator.
Caffeine Free: You too shall fall.
Red Bull: You like to think you have an active lifestyle with a flavor for the extreme, but you have to be included in the dive comp. Your kid probably has a poorly sculpted mohawk.
Wardroom Coffee: You’re still a nub JO and don’t have enough space to bring your own coffee supplies. You didn’t like coffee at first, but you got into the habit of pouring yourself a cup a few times a day in order to see what movie the senior JOs were watching during their off-going. If you’re lucky, the coffee was made within the past 72 hours.
French Press Coffee from your Stateroom: The crew hates you and you read David Foster Wallace. You once told XO that you “Don’t really ‘do’ Zone Inspections.” You go out of your way to tell the entire wardroom you’re getting out of the navy after your shore tour except the CO during your FITREP debrief.
DI Water: You’re a nub who lost a bet or an ELT bored on watch. NR is involved and the CO, XO, COB, ENG, and CRA are livid. The water chem failed to mention that this will cause intense diarrhea in 8 hours.
Undiluted Mio Energy Shot Straight into your Mouth: Who hurt you?
Which energy drink is your favorite? Let us know in the comment section below.
Engineroom Coffee: You're the RDT (Reactor Drink Technician) U/I who meticulously made a batch to please the RO in the hope of getting checkouts. After a week onboard, you spit loogies into it as a feeble way to satisfy those growing feelings of discontent. Alternatively, you're the AEA who was told by the ENG in your qual interview your entire purpose in life is to make coffee and die for your country in a cloud of steam at the EPM.