Schedule Delays Prompt Change in Flag Aide Assignments
Check the Q4 mid-slate update
Millington, TN – In a study released today NAVSEA revealed a previously unknown theft of submarine operational time: Flag speeches that run too long.
While efficiency experts are quick to point to inadequate shipyard planning, this report highlights the devastating impact that ceremonial speeches running over their allotted time have on the submarine force.
The report highlights infamous instances such as ADM Vince Donaway’s speech at the Groton Sub Ball in 1998 that resulted in over a month of lost operational time.
“It seems trivial,” said lead author Brian Mackelroy. “But there were 2,000 submariners attending and the speech went one hour longer than allotted. That’s a loss of 2,000-man hours – a loss of a combined 83 days of operational time, time that could have been better spent tracking submarines, routing audit and surveillance binders, and conducting ORSES.”
The USS Boise– approaching her 7th straight year in shipyard – was an early victim of this phenomena. The shipyard and NAVSEA coordinated an excellent, airtight plan, expertly integrating multiple DETs and contractors to ensure that she would leave shipyard in record time. “Boise was meant to be the fastest boat out of the shipyard, but an admirals speech ran five minutes over and the whole plan fell apart,” said Mackelroy.
In total, SUBFOR estimates it could execute an extra two submarine deployments per year if Flag speeches remained inside their allotted time frames. The impact on future ORSEs has also drawn the attention of NAVSEA(08) which is in the process of developing a plan to cap all Flag speeches to eight minutes, in order to add an additional drill day to all ORSEs.
To correct the issue PERS 42 will assign Flag Officers an additional aide whose primary duty will be to ensure speeches do not run over time.
“We are putting out a fleet wide request for the most bitter and angry JOs,” said PERS 42 JO Shore Detailer LT Marcus Dewy. “It turns out that the people who have the most objective view on whether or not sailors really need to hear something are bitter JOs. We talking about JOs who have been port and starboard, pulled consistent MIDS strings, been three-section duty for months… these are the people we want.”
These new aides will provide forceful backup to Flag Officers by saying things like “shut the fuck up Sir, this is the third ‘military is a team’ metaphor you’ve used in the past hour,” and “the reason no one told you this speech is terrible is because they want a good FITREP,” and finally, “Sir, no one cares what you are saying… your poorly told story about the Tang is keeping people from eating.” PERS 42 has also authorized the use of sarcastic clapping with an occasional ironic “ooooo” and “ahhhh.”
LT Ryan Philips was recently selected for the program after he completed 22 days of port and starboard shift work in shipyard and attended 25 critiques. He told The SUBPAR Group to “fuck off” when asked to comment on his new assignment.
“He’ll be perfect,” LT Dewy said.