NR Dispatches Negotiators to North Korea to Secure Return of MMN3(SU) to DINQ Study
Seoul, South Korea – Early in the morning on 19JUL23 a US Air Force C-17 landed at Osan Air Base, 40 miles outside the South Korean Capital, Seoul. In addition to the plane’s normal load of ammunition, skilcraft pens, and Otis Spunkmeyer blueberry muffins necessary to equip and sustain the UN mission in South Korea were four members of the Nuclear Examination Performance Board. The group, consisting of one senior O-6 recently passed over for major command and three O-4s, was sent to begin secret negotiations with the communist dictatorship of Kim Jon Un in order to secure the safe return of the unnamed MMN3(SU) to DINQ study onboard the USS Kentucky (SSBN-737) after he was recently apprehended inside the DMZ.
Crew members aboard the USS Kentucky became alarmed when the MMN3(SU) did not return to the boat after the 3 hours of liberty his chief had granted him during the port call. According to records obtained by SUBPAR, MMN3(SU) had been struggling with qualifications since reporting aboard the Kentucky earlier this year. Shipmates paint a picture of someone increasingly frustrated with his inability to use SUB IC and frequency with which he died in fire drills.
“He’s been on DINQ study basically his whole time here and I guess he just had enough,” said MMAFN(SU) Anderson. “Though I can’t say there weren’t signs,” he continued. “When he left he wrote ‘Pyongyang’ as his intended liberty location.”
The Duty Chief wasn’t as concerned with the liberty location as he was with the lack of a liberty buddy, according to sources familiar with the matter.
National security experts are not concerned about a potential disclosure of classified information despite MMN3(SU) serving aboard a nuclear ballistic missile submarine.
“Frankly, from a security standpoint, it’s probably better to leave him over there. He didn’t know anything,” said an MMNC(SS) who agreed to speak with SUBPAR on the condition of anonymity. “If the North Koreans want to know how to consistently fuck up shift, clean, and inspects or they want poorly drawn and non functional drawings of the Chill Water system, they are welcome to pick this guy’s brain as much as they want.”
NR negotiators are optimistic about the prospects of his return to DINQ study in an expeditious manner.
Responding to our request for comment, NR provided the following written statement: “Although North Korea is a hermit state with an unstable and tyrannical dictator, EDM qualification dates transcend national borders.”