Let's Make a Submarine Crest Tier List - VA Class
Like many of the customs of the United States Navy, the practice of designing individualized crests for naval ships came from the British. The first exposure most sailors have with their boat’s crest is when they hurriedly google “USS ______” in the parking lot of prototype when they finally get their soft orders (if they aren’t confronted with a Navy Times article about their future CO being fired and terrible ship’s morale). The Crest plays a prominent role in the boat’s decor, the boat’s swag, the boat’s post-deployment brief – all of the most important facets of real submarining.
Like the boats they represent, not all crests are created equal. A good crest should be 1. Unique, 2. Bring a unique aspect of the boat’s namesake into the design, and 3. Not too busy. Let’s continue with VA class.
USS Virginia SSN 774 - D Tier
The Virginia Class submarine was the first US warship completely designed via CAD. The USS Virginia crest is the first crest to be entirely designed by a hungover JO using Microsoft Word Clipart. Gross!
USS Texas SSN 775 - S Tier
This crest is pretty badass. Were you at power school when that one LT kept telling everyone about his USS Texas belt buckle?
USS Hawaii SSN 776 - S Tier
The USS Hawaii motto, “Kūpale ‘Āina”, was changed from the original “Kū Pale ‘Āina” after a Hawaiian philology organization pointed out it was grammatically incorrect. Correcting a mistake after being called out flies in the face of traditional Submarine culture. However, this crest rocks.
USS North Carolina SSN 777 - A tier
The USS North Carolina including an homage to the Wright Brothers’ flight at Kitty Hawk and the stunning absence of any Wright Brothers reference in the crest of the USS Ohio perhaps settles the Ohio-North Carolina Wright Brothers debate.
USS New Hampshire SSN 778 - C Tier
Again with the shitty Microsoft Word Clipart. The submarine looks like it was pulled from the loading screen of a shitty Playstation 1 video game. The overall incongruence of textures ruins what could be a halfway decent crest.
USS New Mexico SSN 779- S Tier
There’s about a hundred things that this crest does right and not a single thing it does wrong. The only thing missing is the periscope cross-hairs on the “Zia” sun that is usually incorporated on the ass tattoos of USS New Mexico sailors.
USS Missouri SSN 780 - C Tier
Overall “meh” design with the state outline of Missouri, much like the state itself, being thrown into the crest as an afterthought.
USS California SSN 781 - S Tier
The California crest is excellent, featuring the California Grizzly Bear, looking as menacing as your EDMC catching you sampling a Steam Generator without a procedure open. This crest is begging to be featured on a Post Deployment Brief powerpoint slide. The boat looks like a whale though.
USS Mississippi SSN 782- S Tier
Out of all of the animal-submarine crest designs, this one is by far the best execution. Unlike the state flag of Mississippi, this crest does not need to ever be redesigned.
USS Minnesota SSN 783 - A Tier
Very cool crest. The horned Viking helmet may not be historically accurate, but the angry Viking yelling looks a lot like MMA1 when I told him we were probably going to a critique after his nub fucked up blowing sans in port for the 3rd consecutive duty day.
USS North Dakota SSN 784 - A Tier
I don’t know how many USS North Dakota sailors have gotten “Rough” and “Riders” tattooed on their biceps while drunk in a foreign port, but I’m willing to bet a paycheck that it is not zero.
USS John Warner SSN 785 - B Tier
When you name a submarine after a politician, there’s a pretty low ceiling for how good your crest can be. This is pretty solid though.
USS Illinois SSN 786 - B Tier
Three states claim ownership of Abraham Lincoln, yet only the USS Illinois and its capitol, the USS Springfield, pay homage to the 16th President. Like the Wright Brothers, I think we can call this debate settled.
USS Washington SSN 787 - A Tier
This is just cool. It’s that simple.
USS Colorado SSN 788 - S Tier
This is about as good as it gets. The Bronco. The mountains. The C from the Colorado state flag. Easy S-Tier. The mountains should be blue though. Bonus points for being made by a prototype student who is a loser like me and is too-into submarine crests.
USS Indiana SSN 789 - A Tier
Crests the shape of states? Definitely works here. If the Indy 500 were held underwater, I bet the MMNC onboard USS Indiana would talk about how his first submarine was a real submarine and would beat the Indiana in the race.
USS South Dakota SSN 790 - C Tier
The wolf in this crest is right near the trough of the uncanny valley. Gives me the creeps.
USS Delaware SSN 791 - B Tier
You can’t hold it against the ship that the state of Delaware picked the ‘blue hen’ as its state bird, nor that there is nothing else notable about the state to put into a logo. Joe Flacco, the former University of Delaware quarterback may be elite, but this logo is not.
USS Vermont SSN 792 - B Tier
This is pretty uninspiring. Not bad, just uninspiring.
USS Oregon SSN 793 - B Tier
It’s honestly a shame that this crest wasn’t worse, because I would have been able to say “This crest gave me dysentery”. It’s aesthetically pleasing at least.
USS Montana SSN 794 - A Tier
There’s about a dozen rumors for the origin of the “3-7-77” that comes from the “Montana Vigilantes”, but I choose to believe it comes from the average daily number of hinge matches the crew receives from Russian spies.
USS Hyman G. Rickover SSN 795 - C Tier
If we say anything mean about this crest we will be cursed to fail our next CTE.
PCU New Jersey SSN 796 - B Tier
The crest fails to incorporate that all its residents either commute to Philly or NYC, but a nice homage to the previous USS New Jersey nonetheless. Would have been way cooler if they made the devil red.
PCU Iowa SSN 797 - D Tier
Unlike its namesake state, this crest is too busy to be good.
PCU Massachusetts SSN 798 - C Tier
The crest ignores the western part of the state - much like society and movies starring Matt Damon.
PCU Idaho SSN 799 - D Tier
It’s like they asked 13 different people to give input into a crest, got 13 different ideas, and said yes to every one of them. Somehow they didn’t include the best design feature on their crest but did on their brow banner.
PCU Arkansas SSN 800 - A Tier
This has a great incorporation of the Razorback from the University of Arkansas into the body of the Submarine. Additionally, it greatly exceeds the USS Arkansas crest shown in the disastrous Hunter Killer (2018) (Below, note how the brow itself is the only thing mooring USS Arkansas to the pier in HMNB Faslane).
