LCS Defends USS Andrew Jackson During High-Stakes Midshipmen Transfer in SOCAL OPAREA
We found a use for the LCS fleet
From The Subpar Group’s Surface Warfare Bureau Chief
During a tense transfer off the coast of San Clemente Island, nearly 20 miles from the California mainland, surface and subsurface forces united in what one spectator described as, "a beautiful onion."
USS Andrew Jackson (SSBN-619) was recently tasked with providing a standard 53-week summer cruise to hand-selected future leader-students at such elite universities as Western Governors University, Maryland University College of the University of Maryland at Maryland College, Grand Canyon Christian School for University Learning, and the Flint, Michigan Independent School District.
Due to security concerns, as well as the desire to provide employment opportunities to the otherwise unemployable Mississippians of the 4th congressional district, all submarines must be escorted by Littoral Combatant Ships (LCS) when close to American soil. Luckily, USS Shitty Hometown (LCS-17) was ready to answer the call of its sibling warship. Unluckily, LCS-17 found itself catastrophically unable to get underway due to the failure of the single cardboard valve fueling its 2.5-billion-dollar titanium engines, which was approved by more than 87 senior defense officials in the contracting process.
Luckily, LCS-74, USS The Bad Side of The Bronx, was ready to answer the call of both warships. Unfortunately, LCS-74 found itself below redlines when Commander, Third Fleet realized that 0 of the required 0 OODs were actually billeted to the ship, a manning decision overseen by 71 senior defense officials and approved by 4 highly trained Bassett Hounds in a $7.8 billion contracting process.
As fate would have it, LCS-3.14 (USS Pi) was miraculously at sea in the SOCAL OPAREA. Some reports claim that LCS-3.14 was adrift and without power for more than three weeks due to a known issue: only having one gas can worth of fuel for 122,000 theoretical shaft horsepower.
Security escort was ultimately provided by students of the San Diego City Community College who were luckily at sea that morning embarked on 7 paddle boards to fulfill a physical education elective.