Dear Subpar Group - My coworkers don't understand submarines

Well neither do we

Dear Subpar Group, 

I recently started working at a Fortune 500 company in a middle management role. I enjoy the job and the people I work with, but I am having issues connecting with them. I mentioned how, in another life, I used to stand a lot of 'watch’. This was a term most of my coworkers have never heard of before. I explained it to the best of my ability, but I still feel that they fail to understand the concept of watch on an intuitive level. What can I do to help them better understand my past?

V/r, 

Middle Management Professional

Dear Middle Management Professional, 

Watch is a tricky concept, no doubt. We spent a combined 72 months on a submarine and still don’t fully understand watch, but we’ll try to break it down for your colleagues. To start with you'll need the following things:

1 Windowless 10 x 10 FT room

1 Fluorescent light with exactly one burnt out lightbulb

2 Cups of 4-hour old coffee

2 -3 Middle Schoolers (in a pinch angsty high schoolers with an in-depth knowledge of Star Wars fan fictions will suffice)

1 Clock that is - at the same time - too fast and too slow

1 Chair

1 Bag of individually wrapped hard candy that can only be bought in dollar stores

Position your coworker in the windowless room exactly 7" from the main beam of the light that has one light bulb burnt out (it will work better if they are on the dimmer side). Put them in front of the chair but tell them they are not allowed to sit in it. Tell them they have to stay in the confines of the room until the clock reads an arbitrary time (any time will do – it is vital that the time has no meaning).

Next, position the middle schoolers 3 - 4 feet in front of your coworker. Your coworker must enforce the fact that the middle schoolers MAY NOT turn around.  Also ensure that at least once every 30 minutes or so one of the middles schoolers tells your colleague that they are bad at their job and another one alludes to one (or multiple) of their deeper personal insecurities.

Direct your friend to drink three to four sips of the 4-hour old coffee while it is warm - then instruct them that they must drink the remaining portion only after it has become lukewarm or cold (cold is better but we will leave this up to you).

Additionally, enter the room unannounced at random intervals and ask your friend nebulous questions about an event that either happened in the distant past or has yet to happen in the not-so-distant future. Remaining unclear on the timeline as well as what information you actually want is key. No matter what your friends says, tell them they are wrong but ensure that at least one of the middle schoolers very loudly claims to know the answer but - and this is very important - only after you have left the room. Ensure that if your friend asks, the middle schoolers remain elusive.

When your friend is hungry, have them eat one piece of the individually wrapped hard candy every five minutes until they have a mild stomachache.

Finally, allow your friend to leave the room 10 - 20 minutes after you originally told them they could leave, but ensure that your reason why is different each day.

Repeat the above cycle at least five times in a row and we think you should be able to communicate the concept pretty well. 

V/r, 

The Subpar Group

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