Dear Subpar Group,
I miss the boat. I have been on shore tour six months now and all I can think about is the good times I had onboard the USS [REDACTED]. Before I left the boat, I promised myself I would never sign a Department Head contract. But here I am, six months later, thinking that my time on the boat standing three-section duty in shipyard wasn’t too bad. I’m worried that I may go back on my word and sign a DH contract. What should I do?
Very Respectfully,
Rose-Colored Periscope Lens
Dear Rose-Colored Periscope Lens,
It is totally normal to feel this way on shore tour. The boat consumed your life for 38 months and now that you’re on shore tour you have a big void of time and emotional energy to fill.
Normally, I would suggest thinking of some specifically bad memories whenever you’re close to signing a contract. Think about that time the NAV told you to redo another JO’s operational plan, or that time oxygen percentage was low out of specification.
This would work for most cases, but I worry that your case is much more severe.
You’re going to have to actually recreate being on the boat in order to remember that you don’t want to be a Department Head. Try sleeping in your closet for four hours tomorrow night. Once the four hours are up, put on your NWUs and conduct a thorough midnight tour around your house. Have your neighbor to come over a few minutes after you get back into your closet to ask permission to restart the hot water heater.
When you get out of ‘bed’ the next day go to turn the air-conditioning on. But don’t forget that turning on the air-conditioning is a permission item in your Landlord’s Standing Orders. Unfortunately, your landlord isn’t awake at 0600. And the last tenant to call your landlord before 0800 got evicted. Looks like you’re stuck in your hot house for a few more hours.
Then hold a pre-coffee making brief between you and your wife in the kitchen. Make sure that anyone who has ever used the coffee maker in your house is present. A SAT brief is the key to a SAT cup of coffee. Double de-energize the coffee maker and to danger tag it before you put the coffee grounds in. Then check your Landlord’s Standing Orders again to make sure you don’t need permission to start the coffee machine.
I suggest you closely monitor how these activities make you feel and document it on paper. Then take these papers and put them in a binder. Route the binder to your parents and grandparents for review. This should do the trick.
/r,
The Subpar Group
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