A Few Good Head Breaks
BANGOR, WASHINGTON
In the day to day grind of maintaining a nuclear powered submarine, many operators find themselves living in the gray. Blood, sweat, tears, and in this instance, piss are required to maintain the excellence that our nation depends on to defend freedom and liberty at home and abroad. Sometimes, that gray area treads closer towards black. And in those instances our nation calls upon an elite form of overtasked Junior Officers, equipped with no more than a red folder to do our nation’s bidding and find the cold hard truth.
SUBPAR sent our most experienced field reporter to the USS Leveret Saltonstall, a Ballistic Missile Submarine home-ported in Bangor, Washington to cover a dark investigation underway. MMN2 Quincy Palmer, a member of the Saltonstall’s machinery division, discovered his bottle at the Main Engine Gaugeboard filled with not water, not coffee, but the urine of a fellow sailor. This act of violence shook the Engineering Department of the Saltonstall to its core.
The Executive Officer of the Saltonstall knew he had to get his best on the case.
LT Aaron Burke.
Our reporter had the privilege of getting to sit in on a line of questioning towards the leading suspect in this case, MMN3 Lucas Tyber. Below is a transcript of the events that transpired in the Chief’s Quarters of the USS Saltonstall.
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MMN3 Tyber: “Have you ever spent time in Machinery Division, Sir?”
LT Burke: “No, MMN3.”
MMN3 Tyber: “You ever stand watch outside of maneuvering on a critical reactor plant?”
LT Burke: “No, MMN3.”
MMN3 Tyber: “You ever take logs, put your trust in ERLL to keep Lube Oil Cooler outlet temperatures in spec, and have him trust in you to maintain Main Condenser Vacuum in spec?”
LT Burke: “No, MMN3.”
MMN3 Tyber: “We follow orders, sir. We follow orders or people go to critiques. It’s that simple.”
LT Burke: “MMN3 Tyber, did you piss is Palmer’s bottle”
COB: “You don’t have to answer that question!”
MMN3 Tyber: “I’ll answer the question. You want answers?”
LT Burke: “I think I’m entitled to them.”
MMN3 Tyber: “You want answers?!”
LT Burke: “I want the truth!”
MMN3 Tyber: “You can’t handle the Truth!
Sir, we live in a metal tube that has a hot rock, and that hot rock has to be guarded by men who play Magic the Gathering. Who's gonna do it? You? You, LT Arthur? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Palmer, and you curse the Junior Enlisted. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know --that pissing in Palmer’s water-bottle while tragic, probably stopped a critique; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, stops critiques.
You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about on movie night, you want me on that watch -- you need me on that watch. We use words like head-break, watch relief, and reach around. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending a hot rock. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to an officer who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very steam that I provide and then questions the manner in which I relieve myself. I would rather that you just said "thank you" and went on to relieve the OOD. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up the log pack and stand the watch. Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you're entitled to!
LT Burke: “Did you piss in Palmer’s bottle?!”
MMN3 Tyber: “I did the job - -“
LT Burke: “Did you piss in Palmer's bottle?!”
MMN3 Tyber: “YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!!”