124 Year Old Admiral Leaves Medical Overhaul, Announces Presidential Bid

The following article, written by The Subpar Group, was orignialy published on Admiral Rickover’s campaign website

ARLINGTON, VA. (SPG) – Almost 38 years after his presumed death, Admiral Hyman G. Rickover has announced his return to public life. 

In July 1986, ADM Rickover entered a regularly scheduled CNO medical availability at Portsmouth Naval Medical Center in Kittery, Maine. A myriad of improper work controls, unauthorized body-alts, and funding shortfalls resulted in a 450 month delay to the originally planned six month maintenance period. 

Upon awakening, the Admiral held a command level critique, which he eventually upgraded to a country level critique after uncovering systemic nation-wide deficiencies that permeated the political, economic and social structure of the United States of America. The 83 page critique culminated with the lone corrective action of, “Become President of the United States,” an event which the critique classifies as “firmly scheduled.”

To avoid the negative publicity surrounding a delayed availability, rivaled only in length by the USS Boise, Admiral Rickover’s death was staged by the same professionals who orchestrated the moon landing, fabricated evidence of a spherical Earth, and lied to you about the terms of your enlistment. 

Speaking at the kick-off event on top of what was once his fake grave in Arlington National Cemetery, the spry ADM Rickover promised the electorate his presidential bid would strictly observe the watchstanding principles. 

Some of the hot-button issues he mentioned in his speech included increasing access to health care for those underway with just an HM2, four hours of protected sleep, and increasing accountability throughout the massive government bureaucracy by performing more spot checks to find taxpayer funds in “those hard to reach places.”

When asked whether he was concerned that voters would be reluctant to elect someone of his age (the retired admiral was literally conceived in the 1800s), he asserted he could outscore any other major-party candidate in a CTE, ORSE Exam, and PRT. Critics have been eager to mention that the 124 year old Rickover would be the oldest individual elected President by over 30 years. 

Rickover quickly rebuffed those criticisms as he unveiled the official slogan of his campaign, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of Criticality”.

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The Subpar Group will provide continuing coverage of the 2024 election for The Reactor is Critical.